We’re throwing it all away
what’s up? –> i should be the one telling you that. whatever actually happened to me? i wasn’t able to taste the web for a while. it came to a point where i could no longer go and check my mail, update some people of what’s going on with me, etc. the first few weeks were torture. but sooner, i learned to accept it. not that i had much of a choice anyway. at least now, for once, i’m cured from this addiction.
so what am i doing here typing away? dunno really. just felt like it. i’ve been trying to work something out since everything just crashed down on me. living as a ‘bum’ for quite some time; two months to be exact. i just hope everything turns out fine in the end. cause it led to a point that i seriously contemplated on becoming one of those monks or hermits or one of their kinds. giving it all up, since it won’t make much of a difference. letting go seems to make reality easier to accept. and i don’t know if i’m still as depressed as i was. probably not anymore.
a friend had this notion once of not creating relationships because in the end, it’ll just hurt us even more when the time comes that people have to part ways. i guess i’m experiencing the same kind. but as of now, i’m too tired to think of anything else. busying oneself can make a lot of difference if you don’t have any options left. and that’s what i’m making use of.
in lieu with the disruption, i turned to the beatles, mainly tofor the background to enhance my psychotic intentions. everything’s just mind games. pure brainwash. and after a while, it came back to me on why i wasn’t really that inflicted to music and such.
music = feelings = emotions
and in the past or even up to now, i made an unwritten pact of inhibiting myself from emotions. carving in my brain to kill feelings. i wasn’t allowed to feel just because, just because. i don’t know why i put myself into such savageness. but every scenario that would crop up would just be a clash of my underlying principles that i don’t know which ones i should live by already. and it’s a sad fact that as i face every day in perplexity, no one truly understands me. NO ONE.
i sometimes wonder if i’m pressuring myself too much. taking things too hard. well, they already are. and it’s double the factor that we were already born with these in tow. i just couldn’t notice it until the time came when i got older. so this is why some people would definitely wish to be a kid again. this is why i don’t really go to deeper relations. i’ll just be hoping too much for something i’ll never have.
“you have issues…” someone said this to me. not that i’m too dense to know that i do. but people can never really tell, and things are better left unsaid. i just want to inform them ahead of how flip i can be. to lessen the expectations set. so we could care less. i’m trying to work something out. compromising health and sleep in the process. hopefully, everything will be okay. it has to. new adjustments and configurations are put into my system. some things to sacrifice.
i need a life. but i don’t know if can still afford one. and i can’t suddenly open up to complete strangers bursting with rage and frustration; thinking that they’ll truly understand what’s going on. so what’s new? still i can’t answer. i seem to be too tired to have all these questions. i’m the hardcore pessimist, ain’t i? oh well, another entry published. this blog is under destruction, almost anyway.
sigh, same shit different day.
1. amia left…Monday, 19 June 2006 9:39 pm
i should warn you tho, that being ‘busy’ can be very addicting. it’s a vice that i cant seem to let go now that im so used to it. if you think life feels so monotonous now, lalo na when you’re busy. but being always on the move gives us the illusion that we’re progressing, that we’re getting somewhere.
anyway, im getting confused with what im saying. just dropped by to say hi and see how you are. missed ya lil bro!
2. nix left…Thursday, 22 June 2006 9:49 am
Its all the same. We all fill our lives with things that we can handle just to cope with this void, emptiness that seem to be prevalent in most of us…
In the end, its doesnt matter how many times you fell, its how many times you stood up after…
You’re not alone.
3. nina left…Friday, 30 June 2006 9:14 am
‘same shit, different day’ – at one point i felt this. but really Ed? Nix is right, its all about how many times you stood up after. shit happens, its all about dealing with it as professionally as we can..
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soloflightEd.com is a travel blog by Edcel Suyo. He enjoys performing headstands and crazy stunts during his trips in the Philippines, Southeast Asia, and the Middle East. Now based in Dubai, United Arab Emirates and working to earn a living, he takes time to enjoy the city and travel during weekends.
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